Singleness - The Good, Bad... & Sometimes Ugly Truth.
Ranessa Hendrix • January 25, 2021

"You should be grateful..."

Single man on a mountain with sunset and beach

I have not posted this article for concern over how it would be received...but I'm done hiding behind a bushel! Please enjoy and leave your feedback.


I couldn’t tell you how many devotions I’ve read about the season of singleness. At this point in my life. I’m 27, and typically I’ve heard from married people throughout the years, “You should be grateful, Use this time to find deeper relationship with God, friends, etc. Use this time to fulfill God’s purpose for your life. You would rather being single wishing you were married than married wishing you were single.” 


While they mean well, these quotes or little nuggets of "wisdom" are typically given by married men and women who have the best of intentions...or just have no idea of what to say because they did not walk 27 years without having been married.


That’s not to say that they are wrong. No, in fact I’ve gleaned some really great advice over the years by my wiser peers. However, what if we were real for a moment and talked about what SINGLENESS actually entails for Christian young men and women?

Perhaps it’s my perspective, but we are typically the minority in the church and often get overlooked when sermons are speaking to the ‘married men and women.’ We’re told this is the time when we have the MOST freedom, and time. We should be using that time and freedom to fulfill God’s purpose for our lives and diving deeper into relationship with Him. Yes, I wholeheartedly agree, but isn’t that true for every stage of life?


Why do we tell a young woman who has a house, a job, a ministry, and is seeking God’s will for her husband that she still isn’t content enough? Of course we’re not content. God put within each and every one of us the desire to have human connection, partnership, love and to be loved in return.

young woman praying in a field with trees looking up to the sky

Do you ever notice how majority of the ‘Single’ devotionals there are out there are written by married people? Sometimes I want to SCREAM, but do you remember coming home to an empty house and having no one to share your day with?!


I can hear all you spiritual saints going, “well if you have Jesus, you shouldn’t be lonely.” Let me tell you something. If it wasn’t for Jesus I would probably be in a horrible relationship messed up and broken because I couldn’t live alone anymore. 


Six years ago I left church after having gone on the first date I’d ever been on in my entire life. I was sexually assaulted. For a long time I blamed myself. I was so naive when it came to dating that I got into his car by myself and I had no way out. 


I was so desperate for love and affection because I felt in myself I was NOT ever going to be pretty enough or good enough, and that whomever showed me attraction must be the ‘right’ one because I didn’t have many opportunities handed to me.


I was 21 and had never been kissed. Was I wrong for blaming the church for turning it’s back on me rather than getting to the root of the issues I was facing? Of course I was, but it does not excuse the fact that I was ill prepared for what could happen when you were alone with a man - especially one with evil intent in their heart.

I found myself on a two-year stretch finding anything to fill the void having left the church and looking for attention anywhere I could. I was playing video games with men who would make me feel attractive and wanted. I was drinking alcohol to numb the pain, and when that wasn’t enough I would meet men online who were at the very least perverted enough to want someone who was on the ‘fluffier’ side of life.


I was numb. I had turned off everything and everyone because it hurt to much to admit how bitter I was at God for having let this happen to me. Sound Familiar? I was bitter at the people I thought loved me and should have been there for me, but instead they turned there backs on me when I began looking and acting a little different. Let me stop right here and say something, you will NEVER know what someone is really going through on the inside - so don’t ever presume to know and please don't EVER give up on them.


I’ve said all of this to say...marriage is not the end goal, nor should we be teaching our young people that it’s their purpose in life. Is that God’s will for some? Absolutely! I’m not diminishing the institution of marriage. It is one of the first covenants mentioned in the Bible and I believe it is something that we each have a God-given desire for. However, I want to iterate a few points of my own having been single for so many years...So, Buckle your seatbelts.

woman with tears in her eyes crying

I heard a preacher once say "Marriage doesn’t improve your Singleness, it Exposes it."


Who you are as an individual does not and will NOT improve with marriage. We should be taking this time to get to know Jesus and ourselves inside and out before we commit to another. We should take this gift of singleness to mature and realize that if it’s not God’s will for me to be married, then how might I fulfill His purpose for my life in other ways? 


 Like I said, those pieces of advise are not wrong and in fact I'm going to use them to make a point. This season is a gift, but I wish we wouldn’t glaze over the fact that it’s not easy either. 


Being a young woman who has to be the head of the household, the provider, the homemaker, and find time to take care of your health...it’s still not something I have mastered. We are people of progress. Whether we’re single or whether we’re married. We should always be striving for a deeper relationship with our Creator!


Paul states in Corinthians, “But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord - how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world - how he may please his wife. There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world, how she may please her husband.” 

-I Corinthians 7:32-34

I don’t believe Paul’s goal here was to say that you can’t please the Lord if you’re married, nor if you desire to be married, but rather that we who are single have the freedom to serve the Lord more fully. I challenge myself and my single peers - I know this season is not easy, I’m speaking from experience, but ask the question - how can we be more devoted and purposeful in our relationships with the Lord and with those we love?


I challenge my married peers, don’t forget the desire you had to be married, and don’t belittle it. Those of you who are married, ask the question - how much are you doing to deepen your relationship with the Lord, alongside your spouse?


When it comes to the things of God we should all be striving for more, I know that I should be. When it comes to relationships, I believe we should all be grateful for whatever season we are in and not be made to feel like we are lesser if we have not achieved something that someone else thinks we should have.


I hope this was an encouragement to someone who may have felt lonely and thought it was somehow a weakness. I also hope that I opened the eyes of some of our married Christian peers who mean well by their intentions. Pray for one another, encourage one another. LOVE one another...because we aren't long for this world and EVERY relationship matters.

Until next time,
Ranessa H

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